Is this my threshold ?

I was standing in the queue for security check when I last saw him. I turned around and saw him smiling and waving at me. My family was there and they were all waving me good bye. I could feel the tears swelling up as I tried to muster some courage to give them a smile. I looked back one last time and went inside the terminal. I headed towards the line for check-in with tears flowing down my cheeks. It did not stop even after the plane took off. I must have been a sight. After my usual set of misadventures, I was finally back to my life here, so far away from my loved ones.

I was soon looking forward to my spring break to be with V. School kept me busy. Very busy. I started blogging about the wedding. Soon, I realised that it made me miss V even more. So I stopped thinking and writing about it. Long distance relationships teaches a lot of lessons in many aspects. As V traveled a lot, it was difficult to even call each other ( my phone bills have never been less than 3 digits in a long time). Somehow hearing his voice even if it was just less than a minute made my day. I was strong girl according to many....But how long can I hold up ?

Soon, I realised that meeting V for just spring break was not going to work out. I was very depressed. I feel sick. Lost interest in school and research work. The girl who could not-stop-smiling suddenly looked like a tragedy queen. Then I bounced back to almost-normal after a while. It was always about distraction - I started planning my Canada trip.

Then sometime in the end of April, my professor gave me permission to take a break in summer and visit my husband ( I guess he could not bear looking at my sad face anymore). So, I told V to apply for a visa. There were many hurdles and confusion...But I told myself that I would be with him in May. I realised soon that I was mistaken as there was further delay. So, I decided to take a long break in Canada.

Now I am back, there is still no sign of the visa. My moods have become worse as I seem to get more depressed. I have kept in touch with fewer friends. I seem to be talking lesser to everyone. As I look back, I realised how much more silent I have become for a person who cannot stop chattering. I seemed to have a lot of enthu, which is so unlike me. How did I become like this ? Have I reached my threshold ?

You've waited for so many years, just manage for a few more weeks.
This logic does not work. I think its harder to be fine for just a few weeks; its like standing in a queue - when you start by standing at the back, you feel fresh and energetic; as you inch towards the end at by moving forward, you only feel more frustated and annoyed.

Long distance is not new to me. I've managed to sail through more turbulent times. But, I was probably stronger then. I've learnt to avoid and not think about V when I go out, when I shop, when I eat out, when I am at home, when I am watching a sad/happy movie...And then there are times when I just cannot bear it...And out comes a torrid of tears. V is always strong and would console me.

We will see each other soon, he says. How soon, I would wail.

And now...I wait, as always, just to be with him. Tried to distract myself with a lot of other things...Yet I cannot get over it this time. Every conversation I have with him, ends up with me bursting into tears. I know the wait will be over soon and I will be with him. I've been crying for the last couple of hours. V called to console me but I had no control over my tears. I hang up and continue crying.

I feel so empty inside....Oh God...Give me strength.

p.s. wrote this post at 3am. did not publish it. woke up today morning feeling a little better and made a decision to get away from here.